Executor Goose's Barracks Bedtime Stories
by Lazarus de Medci IV
Summary: Executor Goose Says: SIT YOU A** DOWN, AND READ 'DEZE, FOO! Fairy Tales with a Hint of starcraft.
1. A Walk In The Woods

  
  
Once upon a time, Hansel was a Terran Marine from new germany, and Gretel was a Terran Medic from new austria, and one day they were on patrol through the woods, just a jolly little Jaunt, singing as they went  
  
"My Name's Hansel, Yes it is, Killing zerglings is my Biz,"  
  
"My name's Gretel, Don't forget, I'm a medic, Not a vet!"  
  
"Damn those Protoss! They will Pay!"  
  
"For getting in our merry way!"  
  
"Look at that thing what the f..." Then he stopped, as they awed at a great Command center, made completely out of gourmet Jelly Beans!  
  
"You can have the coconut ones!" shouted Hansel  
  
"No way! I hate the coconut ones!" snapped Gretel  
  
"I cant' hear you!" said Hansel, sticking two jelly beans in his ear  
  
"Oh my god!" said Gretel "They're ALL coconut!"  
  
"Man this bites the big one..." sighed Hansel "Now what do we do?"  
  
"I say we go complain!" said Gretel  
  
"Yeah, good idea" and then Hansel pounded on the double-doors... and none other than the zerg queen herself came to the door  
  
"Yes? can I help you?" she said, hoping not to be found out  
  
"Ma'am, sorry to bug you, but you might be interested to know that this comm center is made completely out of Coconut jelly beans"  
  
"Yes, i know, it was the best i could do on such short notice"  
  
"Say aren't you..." Then kerrigan pulled out her claws, knowing that if she fought in her condition, she would surely die "Arethra Franklin?"  
  
Kerrigan took the opertunity "Why... yes! Uhh, R-E-S-P-E-C-T! Boo-Yah!"  
  
"Cut the crap, lady" said Hansel "We're gonna have to burn this place, it's a hazard to all living things"  
  
"Come inside, won't you?" she said "I have oreos..."  
  
"Yeah! Oreos!" shouted Hansel, Running inside  
  
"No! Hansel! Get ahold of yourself! Resistance, RESISTANCE!  
  
"...And S'mores!"  
  
"Sweet! S'mores!" she yelled, running after Hansel  
  
  
---1 hour later---  
  
  
"OOOOooohhhhhhhhh, the double-stuffed kind, Man, im burstin' at the seems!" said hansel  
  
"You said it brother!" replied Gretel  
  
"Now I shall consume you!" Shouted Kerrigan  
  
"Whatchootalkinbout, lady?" asked Hansel  
  
"I am not Arethra Franklin! I am noneother than the queen of blades!"  
  
"I told you Arethra Franklin didn't have that kind of figure!" shouted Gretel  
  
"I should've been able to tell by the size of her..." but he never got to finish  
  
"ENOUGH ABOUT MY BODY! NOW I SHALL CONSUME YOU!" she shoued  
  
"Not today!" said Gretel, as she fired a flash grenade at her face  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! MY EYES!!!" she screamed "You fools! Baywatch comes on in 20 minutes, and now i can't watch it!!!!"  
  
"It does?" asked Hansel "I say we skip her, and go see bawatch, i hear they're gonna have nudes on this week!"  
  
"Hansel! You Petafile!" scolded Gretel  
  
"I mean, uhh... EAT LEAD, BITCH!" and he pumped her full of lead.  
  
  
---EPILOGUE---  
  
  
Afterwards, their father, Marshal Jim Raynor, condemned the structure, and upened up a salsa-fiesta night inside the comm center... and they gave all the coconut jelly beans to the wierd kid on the block; Arcturas Mengsk  
  
"Yea! Coconut!"  
  
Freak.  
  
Oh yeah, and they lived happily ever after, having salsa-fiesta nights every wednesday, even after mengsk ate all the coconut jelly beans.  
  
THE END 


	2. The Three Little Protoss

Special thanks to Snark for giving me the idea!  
  
  
The high Tamplar Tassadar, Unbonounced to everyone, had three sons, Coom-bi, the happy zealot, Koon-yei, the unfortunate Dragoon, and Du-hua, the wise templar... well soon enough Tassadar said to himself "Tassadar, they're not kids anymore" and he made them leave and go on their own, and they designed citadels of adun to live in. Coom-bi made his out of Iron, and had enough money left over for a plasma screen T.V. Koon-Yei made his out of Solid Steel, and had enough money left over for a Dreamcast. Du-hua made his out of reinforced titanium alloy, with built in photon cannon, and had enough money left over for a 5 gallon bucket of gatorade and some dixie cups. One day, a nearby protoss prison broke open and a war-criminal named "The big, bad, firebat" escaped. First he went to Coom-bi's house and beat on the door.  
  
"Shut up!" Coom-bi shouted "Who want's to be a millionaire's on!"  
  
"Open this door NOW!" demanded the big, bad firebat  
  
"Why should i?" asked Coom-bi  
  
"Cause if you dont," threatened The big, bad firebat "I'll sizzle, and char, and BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN!"  
  
"Not by the dreadlocks on my Crani-Cranium!" Shouted the vigilant zealot  
  
"Okeydokey," said the Big, Bad, Firebat, "You asked for it!" then he let his flame thrower rip, and burned a huge hole in the front of Coom-bi's citadel, and chased after him, but in the end his leg enhancments got him to Koon-Yei's house  
  
---One hour later---  
  
"Dude, I almost got it!" exclaimed Koon-yei... then the buzzer rang.  
  
Koon-Yei lost his concentration, and then yelled "You butthole! I was just about to land a darkslide, with a triple kickflip combo!"  
  
"Get out here!" the Big, Bad, Firebat yelled  
  
"Go lick a frozen pole!" yelled Koon-Yei  
  
"NOW!" shouted the Big, Bad, Firebat  
  
"Not by the dreadlocks on my Crani-Cranium!" Repeated Coom-bi  
  
"Then I'll sizzle, and char, and BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN!" laughed the Big Bad Firebat  
  
"Bug off" retorted Koon-Yei, then the Big, Bad, Firebat melted Koon-yei's citadel, allthough it took twice as long. Coom-bi ran for his life, with his leg enhancements, and everyone knows a Dragoon is a whole lot faster than a Firebat, so you know... but soon they came to Du-hua's citadel.  
  
---One hour later---  
  
"More gatorade boys?" asked Du-Hua  
  
"No thanks, man, I'm gonna go for the inverted 900!" said Koon-Yei  
  
"Allright, but i get to go next!" said Coom-bi  
  
Then the Big, Bad, Firebat came "LEMME IN!!!" he shouted  
  
The responses were mechanical  
  
"NO SOLICITORS!"  
  
"GO LICK A FROZEN POLE!"  
  
And  
  
"NOT BY THE DREADLOCKS ON MY CRANI-CRANIUM!"  
  
So he Sizzled, and he charred, but no matter how he tried, he couldn't burn this citadel down, he tried until he ran out of vespene gas, then he shouted "Get out here and fight me, wussies!!!!" but to no avail... Du-Hua armed the photon cannon and killed the Big, Bad, Firebat. They were all awarded special hero medals, and lived happily ever after, and soon inspired the great protoss producer, Shoreside Shorts, to make the famous protoss sitcom "Three's Company"... and to inspire me to write this Fairy-fic...And they all lived happily ever after...  
  
THE END!  
  
Author's Note: If you have any more fairy-fic ideas for the starcraft category, send them in, and you may see it up as soon as tomorrow! This notorious author ADORES feedback, so please, be a responsible reader... AND REVIEW! 


	3. The Little Dropship Who Could

Fronaga was an abandoned Protoss colony, well, not really abandoned, but more like taken over by the terrans. There was a big hill that was the only way out, and once in the early morning there wasa a big battle. The Terran forces on the other side had been destroyed, and there were, fortuneately no detectors on the protoss forces, so they were deploying some ghosts with a rookie dropship pilot, who had never made it over the hill. this is the story.  
  
"Good luck, warrant officer" said the commander. Warrant officer Jan Samuels accelerated the dropship around each bend, trying not to crash the ship, and it was easy, because she was going slow.  
  
"Commander," said the lead ghost "If we want to get to the other side in time, we're gonna hafta husstle, our cloakind devices are wearing out"  
  
"I'm trying!" she shouted  
  
"Well hurry!" shouted another ghost  
  
"I think i can, I think i can," she said  
  
"PEDAL TO THE METAL, WOMAN!" roared another ghost  
  
"I think i can, I think i can" said Jan  
  
"Our Cloaks!" shouted another one  
  
"I know i can, i know i can" she said  
  
"THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" shouted another ghost  
  
Then Jan found the strength insider, and she did it for the children, and dropped the ghosts off, and returned the same way.  
  
"Dude," said another Ghost "You do realize there's no children?"  
  
"Yeah," replied the 1st one "But it worked didn't it?"  
  
"Dude" said another one "Samuels gets Pissed off when you lie"  
  
"Yeah, but, well," he stuttered  
  
"Dude, if anyone asks YOU DID IT!!!!" said the captain, and the proceded to the protoss, and killed them all. When they got back Jan got really mad at the one ghost, but other than that, they all lived happily ever after.   
  
THE END 


	4. Jim And The Beanstalk

In the Kel-Morian Military camp dormatories, there was a poor man named Jim Raynor, everyone felt sorry for jim, even his nasty roomate, Gui Monatg. Jim had lost his girlfriend and 2 best friends to the zerg, and nobody would ever know how hurtful it really was. One day Gui gave Jim 5 bucks to go to starbucks and get a couple of Frapachinos, but while in town, a retired technician sold a small disused beacon to him, and Jim took it home to show to Gui... Well Gui was mad that Jim didn't get the coffee, so he threw the beacon out the window. Jim looked at it from outside... and the beacon started to glow, and soon a HUGE behmoth battlecruiser called the Beanstalk rumbled in... Jim stared in awe... he knew about the beanstalk, it had legendary medics onboard that could uninfest terrans and protoss, and even bring back the dead... so jim hurriedly climbed the entryway of the docked ship, and up, and up, and up, and up, but finally, jim came to the top, 2 ghosts were gaurding the passage to go topside.  
  
"Lemme through" said Jim  
  
"Are you sure about that" asked the 1st ghost  
  
"Sure i'm sure... why?" asked jim  
  
"The Torrasque took over the ship a few months ago, he's been running the show ever scince" said the 2nd ghost  
  
"So?" asked Jim, foolhardly  
  
"Torrasque doesn't like outlanders" said the 1st ghost  
  
"Lemme through!" repeated jim  
  
"Allright, you asked for it" said the 2nd ghost, then Jim went topside. The top was Gargantuan, he couldn't see anything below it... then there was a rumbling behind him  
  
"Fe, Fi, Fo, Fum," shouted the Torrasque "I smell the blood of a really sweaty guy!"  
  
"Uuhhh, no you don't" replied jim  
  
"I'll grind your bones to make my deodorant/antipersprint!" shouted Torrasque  
  
"No, don't do THAT!" grimaced jim "The last place i wanna be is in the armpits of an ultralisk, no offense"  
  
"None taken"  
  
"I'll just be going now" said jim  
  
"Thought you'd steal my medics, eh?" said Torrasque  
  
"Yes," said jim "I mean, no!"  
  
"THEN YOU'RE GONNA HAFTA FIGHT ME FOR IT!" shouted Torrasque. Torrasque charged for jim, but jim's knees buckled, and he fell down, Torrasque jumped over him and fell off the ship, into camp, where the rabid marines jumped all over him.  
  
"SAVE SOME FOR ME!!!" Shouted jim  
  
THE END  
  
*-*EPILOGUE*-*  
  
Well, for all Jim's work, He didn't get squat, because the special medics were a april fool's hoax fron 6 years ago. Jim lived happily ever after, and from then on, Gui was really nice to him. But that's about the only good thing that happened. 


End file.
